What to do if my husband has been lying to me

QUESTION:

Al salam aaleykom,

I have found out a few days ago that my husband has been consistently cheating on me for over 10 years at least. We have been married for almost 16 years.  When confronted, he admitted to it stating that he considered himself divorced and explained that our marriage “was broken” since a very long time.

So I found out that not only has he lied to my face  all these years but that he also has been seeing numerous random girls that he casually met on dating apps, in the streets.. he has been watching porn sites on a regular basis,  went to clubs, requested  escorts, traveled to numerous destinations in quest of pleasure  and so on and so forth.  Meanwhile, I could sense that he was unfaithful. I confronted him about some stuffs found here and there but he aleays called me crazy, sick, jealous or paranoid…

I was aggravated and frustrated with him REJECTING  me all this time which obviously caused a lot of anger leading to a lot of  lashing out which like a vicious circle pushed him even more farther away. 

He has always been extremely rude, cold, distant to me and always pushing me away. He never was interested to grow our family. He refused intimacy which I had to beg for. Same for my second child which came with the grace of Allah after 6 years of begging and negotiating.

He was sleeping in the living room for years too. I was desperate for him to come back to our bedroom but he blatantly refused. He would never call or visit my family. He would never travel with me and when together, we were so tense that we almost argued all the time. I was so desperate  but despite all of this, I tried hard to fix our relationship. He says that he had moments of regrets sometimes but when arguing, he would be triggered to cheat. He would then want to repudiate me but he says he never had the guts to do it because he cared for the two kids we have.  I found a message where he was saying to a girl that he felt like divorcing me since at least 2016 because we both reached a high level of non communication and toxicity.

We are young and married young. I come from Paris, I am educated, I look after myself and look decently beautiful. I know that nothing is wrong with me. He says that all that cheating never was linked to him BEING unsatisfied with me physically but rather emotionally because of all our arguments and altercations. He says I never respected him and that’s why he disconnected but I think that is mutual, how could I be consistently respectful to someone who never cared to treat me right and was hurting me and making me cry almost every day. Respect was broken. But this cannot excuse his actions.

I remained patient and determined to work it through but he was consistently unwilling to put any efforts. I asked for divorce on hundreds of occasions out of despair and also as a last resort to either repair or go our separate ways…  I put all efforts I could into it and now I am devastated by this harsh reality that my husband had literally a double life for almost all our marriage time.

My question: 

1. Does this cheating allows me immediate access to my divorce rights?
2. If he considered himself divorced like he repeatedly said, are we divorced? 
3. My husband repudiated me on several occasions out of anger during our past arguments. He says he never intended.. What does this lead us to presently?

Thank you for your time and for your precious feedback and assistance in advance

ANSWER:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Our du’as are with you and we pray that Allah Ta’āla eases your difficulties. Āmeen.

Allah Ta’āla mentions in the Holy Qur’ān:

ولنبۡلونكم بشیۡء من ٱلۡخوۡف وٱلۡجوع ونقص من ٱلامو ٰ⁠ل وٱلانفس وٱلثمر ٰت وبشر ٱلصٰبرین-ٱلذین إذا أصٰبتهم مصيبة قالوا۟ إنا لله وإناۤ إلیۡه ر ٰ⁠جعون-او۟لٰئك علیۡهمۡ صلو ٰ⁠ت من ربهمۡ ورحۡمة وأو۟لئك هم ٱلۡمهۡتدون

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient. Those, who when a calamity afflicts them, say, “To Allah we belong, and indeed to Him we shall return. They will be given blessings and mercy from their Lord, and it is they who are rightly guided.”

Thus, for a believer, every situation is a situation of potential gain; either through patience in the difficult moments or with gratitude in the moments of ease. At times, our own weaknesses prevent us from reaching the high rank which Allah Ta’āla has destined for us and thus, these tests are a means to raise our ranks and gain closeness to Allah Ta’āla.

Furthermore, Allah Ta’āla has advised us:

وان خفتم شقاق بینهما فابعثوا حكما منۡ أهۡله وحكما من أهلها إن يريدا إصۡلٰحا یوفق ٱلله بیۡنهما إن ٱلله كان علیما خبیرا

“If you fear a split between a man and his wife, send for an arbiter from his family and an arbiter from her family. If both want to be reconciled, Allah will arrange things between them. Allah is All-Aware, Informed.” [1]

Therefore, If you feel that your attempts at reconciliation between yourself and your husband are unsuccessful, then seek assistance from a respected family member who may be able to mediate a resolution between yourselves. 

Nonetheless, if a man utters talāq once or twice, talaq will occur [2] and the marriage will be revocably terminated. If he utters talaq a third time, the marriage will be irrevocably terminated. [3] If he says any other form of repudiation with the same intention, then the marriage will be irrevocably terminated and the nikah will have to be renewed if both spouses want to remain together. [4]

For further guidance, we advise that you consult your local scholar.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Abdullah Teladia

Concurred by: Hanif Yusuf

Posted in Nikah & Talaq (Marriage & Divorce) on 15th Dec 2021 by Our Imam | 634 Views