What should I do if I have difficulties seeking a potential spouse?

QUESTION:

Salam Alaikum, I am a sister I am 22 years old finishing my final year of degree. I have got to know about a guy who is practising, educated, got a good job and seems to tick all my boxes, However, my family does not want me to get married to him. The reason is because his mum passed away when he was young and his dad remarried again and the second marriage failed and the dad is divorced now. Therefore, my family thinks this is not a good family only because the father of the guy is divorced. I believe Islamically its very important to look at the family background however rejecting a proposal only because the parent is divorced does not seem a valid islamic reason for my parents to reject this proposal when in every other way he ticks all the boxes. My family thinks that I will not be happy in a broken family but it does not matter to me coz they are good people. Can you please help me to understand if the reason my parents are rejecting this guy is valid? Can you also help me on how I can convince my parents with strong islamic points to support me. Thank you.

ANSWER:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

There are many qualities sought in a potential spouse. However, Islam places great emphasis on piety, as well as suitability and compatibility between potential spouses.

Furthermore, our Prophet (peace be upon him) also warned against delaying marriage when a suitable spouse is found:

إذا جاءكم من ترضون دينه وخلقه فأنكحوه إلا تفعلوا تكن فتنة في الأرض وفساد‏.‏ قالوا: يا رسول الله وإن كان فيه؟ قال: إذا جاءكم من ترضون دينه وخلقه فأنكحوه‏.‏ ثلاث مرات

When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you, then marry (her to) him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (fitnah) in the land and discord (fasād). The companions said: “O Messenger of Allah! What if there was something about him?” He said: “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you, then marry him.” And he (peace be upon him) said this three times. [1]

Thus, you should try and speak to your family again, as there may be an additional reason as to why they are not in favour of you marrying him. If you are struggling to communicate your sentiments with your family, you may try to request a senior member of your family who understands your situation, so that they can assist you to communicate your concerns with your family and come to a suitable agreement or decision.

Lastly, it is imperative that you make a practice of performing the istikhārah salāh; every night before you retire for sleep, you should perform two rak’aat nafl salāh. After finishing, raise your hands in du’ā and recite:

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُكَ بِعِلْمِكَ وَأَسْتَقْدِرُكَ بِقُدْرَتِكَ وَأَسْأَلُكَ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ الْعَظِيمِ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَإِنَّكَ تَقْدِرُ وَلَا أَقْدِرُ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَتَعْلَمُ وَلَا أَعْلَمُ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَأَنْتَ عَلَّامُ الْغُيُوبِ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ خَيْرٌ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعِيشَتِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي، ‏‏‏‏‏‏أَوْ قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ فِي عَاجِلِ أَمْرِي وَآجِلِهِ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَيَسِّرْهُ لِي ثُمَّ بَارِكْ لِي فِيهِ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَإِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ شَرٌّ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعِيشَتِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي، ‏‏‏‏‏‏أَوْ قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ فِي عَاجِلِ أَمْرِي وَآجِلِهِ فَاصْرِفْهُ عَنِّي وَاصْرِفْنِي عَنْهُ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَاقْدُرْ لِي الْخَيْرَ حَيْثُ كَانَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏ثُمَّ أَرْضِنِي بِهِ

Transliteration: “Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi ‘ilmika, wa astaqdiruka bi qudratika, wa as-‘aluka min fadlikal-‘azim. Fainnaka taqdiru wa la aqdiru, wa ta’lamu wa la a’lamu, wa Anta ‘allamul- ghuyub. Allahumma in kunta ta’lamu anna hadhal-‘amra (and name what you want to do) khairun li fi dini wa ma’ashi wa ‘aqibati amri, (or he said) ‘ajili amri wa ajilihi, faqdurhu li wa yassirhu li, thumma barik li fihi. Wa in kunta ta’lamu anna hadhal ‘amra (and name what you want to do) sharrun li fi dini wa ma’ashi wa ‘aqibati amri, (or he said) wa ‘ajili amri wa ajilihi, fasrifhu ‘anni, wasrifni ‘anhu, waqdur liyal- khaira haythu kana, thumma ardini bih

Translation: Oh Allah, I consult You through Your Knowledge, and I seek strength through Your Power, and ask of Your Great Bounty; for You are Capable whereas I am not, and You know and I do not, and You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allah, if You know that this matter (at this stage, one should name it or think about it) is good for me in respect of my deen (relgion), my livelihood and the consequences of my affairs, (or he said), the sooner or the later of my affairs, then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. But if You know this matter (and name it) to be bad for my deen (religion), my livelihood or the consequences of my affairs, (or he said) the sooner or the later of my affairs, then turn it away from me, and turn me away from it, and grant me power to do good whatever it may be, and cause me to be contented with it

Through this, we hope that Allah Ta’ālā guides you towards the correct path and blesses you with a suitable spouse.

And Allah Ta’ālā Knows Best
Abdullah Teladia

Concurred by: Hanif Yusuf

Posted in Nikah & Talaq (Marriage & Divorce) on 5th Feb 2022 by Our Imam | 773 Views