Advice on depression and suicidal thoughts

QUESTION:

I’m feeling suicidal and depressed. I also been diagnosed with c-ptsd (complex post traumatic stress disorder. My husband seems to not want anything to do with me anymore. He is always cold, distant and ignores me. When he isn’t ignoring me, he makes fun of how I look, dress, speak, my heritage, ect, calls me ugly, stupid, retarded, unloveable, no one could ever love me and then calls me too sensitive and emotional when I break down over it.
He told me he talks to my family behind my back and that they told him I’m the family problem and happy they no longer see me. That they think I’ll never make it in life and will be a crazy cat lady and hermit. My husband also said ‘no wonder your own mom didn’t want you or love you’ (she left when I was little). My family denies this but I don’t know what to believe. I have cptsd from being family kidnapped, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, being in a house shooting, had a stalker and childhood neglect (with stuff like clothes, food and healthcare). My husband knows this and likes to bring up the sexual abuse and laugh about it. Which is triggering to me. He will then make fun of me and call me crazy and twisted in the head. He also seems to want a divorce from me which means I’ll have nowhere to go and I’ll be homeless. This terrifies me. I’m feeling alone, depressed and want to end my life. My faith is almost gone and I don’t feel human at this point. Like I’m less than everything and everyone and that dying would make the world a better place. I’m deeply hurting and I don’t know how to get myself out of this dark place. I feel like I’m unworthy of any help but I need advice on what to do.

ANSWER

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Firstly, we are sorry to hear of the difficulties and trials you have endured. Indeed, every challenge that you refer to is decreed by Allah, Al-Hakīm (the Most-Wise). He knows why he has put you in this situation, even though this may be hard to fathom. Be rest assured that you have the ability to deal with all the challenges you are facing, just as you have come so far in acknowledging all the issues you have encountered. Below, we address some of the specific aspects you mention in your query:

Allah the Almighty states in the Holy Qur’an, “And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits; give good tidings to the patient ones.” [surat ‘l-Baqarah, Ayah 155]

In light of this verse, we need to understand that as Muslims we are bound to face tests and hardships during our life. These tests are not only a means of our sins being forgiven, but also an opportunity to increase our status in the eyes of Allah Almighty.

Therefore, the question arises, how can we overcome the losses, challenges, and disappointments that are inevitable in life? How can we carry on with our lives to fulfil our ultimate purpose and maintain a strong connection with Allah Almighty? How can we heal those wounds and overcome those worries, so we can live our life to the fullest and step up to what we could potentially do to make a positive difference in the world?

First and foremost, it is vital for us to believe that no matter how difficult things seem, Allah Almighty reminds us that with hardship, there is ease.
فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا – إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا

Translation: ‘So, verily, with hardship, there is relief. Verily, with hardship, there is relief. (surat ‘l-Inshirāh, Ayah 5-6)

Thus, we must look for the ease amidst the hardships, the joy amidst the sadness, the strength amidst the weakness, and the healing amidst the hurtfulness. Allah is taking care of you every step of the way. We just have to pray, believe, listen, and wonder in amazement at the gifts Allah showers upon us..

This world is a temporary place and as such, the difficulties and joys of this world are also temporary. The Hereafter is permanent, and the joys and difficulties of the Hereafter are permanent. Any person of insight would not jeopardise his/her permanent abode for something temporary.

Hadhrat Prophet Muhammad ﷺ states: ‘No pain, hardship, sickness or grief befalls a Muslim; not even worry that befalls him, but some of his bad deeds will be expiated. (Sahih Muslim, 4798)

Thus, in the time of difficulty, it is important to try to stay positive. Here are some ways you can achieve this:

• Be optimistic and try to change your paradigm (pattern of thoughts). Do not view these difficulties as a punishment, but rather as a means of cleansing and reward.
• Remember that you are a special creation of Allah. You are created by the will of Allah. Allah’s focus was directed on you, hence, your existence. Value your existence and love yourself. Do not depend on someone’s love for you.
• Dispel any thoughts of negativity and do not let yourself dwell on them.
• Regard every day as a new day and opportunity. Do not let that which occurred in previous days affect your emotions on a new day. 
• Identify the positive things that occur in your day and focus your attention on them. Spend time being grateful for those things.
• Seek to build your connection with Allah Almighty through supplicating to him (making Du’a) for all your needs, regular daily recitation of the Holy Qur’an and tasbīh/adhkār, so you can seek to gain solace in the dīn, as Allah Almighty outlines in the Holy Qur’an, ‘so that you may attain a state of contentment.’ (Surah Ta’ha: ‘Ayah 130). When we glorify Allah, we have a direct link with Him, and one who maintains such a link is content and reassured. He/She is reassured because he/she knows that, with Allah’s help, he/she is safe and secure. Thus, contentment is the fruit of tasbīh and worship.
• We recommend that you read some Islamic literature on helping to develop a positive mindset. Insha’Allah, these books – such as Pearls from the Path (Maulana Afzal Ismail HA), The Beginning of Guidance (Imam Ghazali RA), The lives of the sahaabah (Maulana Yusul Kadhlawi RA), Fadhil-e-A‘maal and Fadh‘il-e-Sadaqat (Sheikh Zakariyya Kandhlawi RA) – will assist you in developing positivity.
• If possible, try to implement some physical exercise into your daily routine such as a little walking near your house or even some general exercises within your home. This will assist you in developing some self-confidence, inshā’Allah.

You may wish to read specific Adhkār (Supplications) such as,
لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ اللَّهُ الْعَظِيمُ الْحَلِيمُ، لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ اللَّهُ رَبُّ الْعَرْشِ الْعَظِيمِ، لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ اللَّهُ رَبُّ السَّمَوَاتِ وَرَبُّ الْعَرْشِ الْكَرِيمِ
Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) used to say at the time of difficulty, ‘None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, the Majestic, the Most Forbearing. None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, the Lord of the Tremendous Throne. None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, the Lord of the Heavens and the Lord of the Honourable Throne.’ (Sahih ‘l-Bukhari, 7431)

Inshā’Allah, setting a daily target of reading this specific supplication, alongside your five times daily salāh (prayer), recitation of the Holy Qur’an and making dua’ (supplicating for your needs to Allah), will enable you to boost your connection with Allah and assist you in converting your feelings of despondency and sadness into positive thoughts.

In addition to all these practical steps you can implement, you should also perhaps consider seeking professional help regarding your Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. There are professionals in the field of mental health that can definitely assist you, inshā’Allah. You should consider looking for these services around you, as they are often closer to home than we initially realise.

Finally, we understand that many of your issues including those of your mental state, are linked to the treatment of your spouse towards you. We recommend that you take up the issue with a senior influential member of the family and a local Imam, if possible, so that they can address these issues with him. Should this be of no avail, please consider marriage counselling. This can solve many issues that are seemingly irreparable. 

May the Almighty grant you happiness and ease your difficulties. Āmeen.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Concurred by: Hanif Yusuf

Posted in Nikah & Talaq (Marriage & Divorce)Aadaab (Ettiquettes & Manners)MiscelleaneousSocial Conduct on 20th Nov 2021 by Our Imam | 978 Views