How do I deal with my cruel mother?
‘My mother is toxic. She taunts me all the time and makes me cry and insecure. I feel useless. She forces me to study all the time and never gets happy even though I get 1st position every year. She’s bossy, strict and very rude to me. She makes a huge deal over small issues and is sensitive. I stay away from her but whenever we talk, I end up feeling bad or crying. What should I do?’
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Allah has created a special relationship when it comes to the parent and the children. There is great reward for that parent who is kind to their children and vice versa. Your situation is an unfortunate one and I pray Allah alleviates the difficulties. In such a situation, the following should always be remembered:
- Stay patient, no matter how hard it gets.
The situation must be, no doubt, frustrating for you. But remain patient at all times. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. [94:6]. There is great reward for staying patient; and Allah will help you through your patience and will hopefully ease the situation for you.
- Keep treating your mother with kindness and respect.
Although your mother is treating you in the way you have described, Islam does not allow any child to treat their parents in any way of contempt whatsoever. At all times we must respect our parents and not retaliate as long as they do not command us to violate the rights of others or of Allah. If you retaliate, there is the possibility of the situation becoming worse. There are several prophetic narrations that inform us how rewarding it is for a child to respect their parents. Few are mentioned below.
The Messenger of Allah (Peace Be Upon Him) said ‘Whoever likes that his life-span be prolonged and sustenance should be increased, then he should be kind to his parents and keep good relations with his relatives.’ [Sahih Bukhari & Sahih Muslim]
The Messenger of Allah PBUH said to a particular companion (may Allah be pleased with him), “Do you have a mother?” (i.e. Is your mother alive?) He said, “Yes.” The Prophet (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) said, “Stick to her [his mother] for indeed Jannah lies at her foot. [Sunan Ibn Majah & Sunan an Nasai]
The Messenger of Allah PBUH said to a companion regarding his mother, “Show Allah how you serve her. If you do so, you will be like the one performing Hajj, the one performing Umrah, and the one striving in Allah’s path. [Tabarani]
From the above we understand that under all circumstances, our parents should be respected and treated with kindness.
- Seek help from a family member.
If you feel the situation is becoming unbearable, and if you think it would help then seek help and talk to an older sibling, or someone you trust in the family. Maybe they will be able to guide you and be there for you. Know that you are not alone and there will always be someone who you can talk to.
- Depression, feeling bad and insecure.
Allah tests the believers in many different ways. Maybe this is a test for you from Allah. To help with the negative feelings you have, you may adopt the following techniques:
- Recitation of the Holy Quran
- This could be dhikr of Durood or the 99 names of Allah etc.
- Keep making Dua to Allah.
- Keep yourself occupied with some work etc to keep your mind busy
- Remain positive.
- Do not become despondent of the mercy of Allah; He is with you at all times and will surely come to your aid.
We hope that the situation eases and Allah rewards you for your patience and perseverance. Ameen
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Checked and Edited by:
Hanif Yusuf Patel
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