The parents want their daughter to marry within the family with a boy of their choice. While she does not want to displease her parents, she does not want to marry within the family: What should she do?
Salam. I want to ask you, ek girl hai, deendar hai or uss kay parents uss kay lya family main shadi karna can rhay or boy itna educated bhi nahi, tu girl family main married nahi karna chahti wo out of family main karna cahti hai liken family nahi maan rahay or wo parents ko naraz bhi nahi karna chahti tu a buss ko kya karna chay wo bari pharshan hai, any solution iss problem ka please reply me. JazakAllah Khair
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
The ideal purpose of marriage is in the conservation of modesty, in attainment of peace and comfort and in procreation. It is vital to select a suitable spouse in order to fulfil the purpose of a peaceful and spiritual marriage devoid of grief, remorse and constant turbulence.
Conversely, the love our parents have for us is incomparable and inconceivable. Their hearts yearn to protect us, keep us always happy and make us more successful and blissful in life than they had been. Our interests and happiness never fade away from their hearts. They also have the experience of life and understand the temperaments of people much more than us. Their love, experience and prudence will ensure they render us the best decisions in life.
While Sharia acknowledges your autonomous right to select your potential spouse, there is a big possibility that you may err by reason of your naivety, innocence and inexperience in life. The institution of marriage is a huge step in life and must be considered thoroughly and no negligence should be borne in finding a suitable spouse. Your parents love you and wish you to have a blissful marriage. They must be a reason why the parents had thought it was better for their daughter to be married within the family and to that particular boy. He may not be educated but possess more important characteristics such as piety, honesty, trustworthiness and caring.
Allah Ta`ala says:
وعسى ان تكرهوا شيئا وهو خير لكم وعسى ان تحبوا شيئا وهو شر لكم والله يعلم وانتم لا تعلمون
Translation: You may dislike something although it is good for you, or like something although it is bad for you. And Allah knows and you do not know.
The following techniques may help the girl in reaching a rational, thoughtful and wise decision:
- To speak and converse directly with her parents explaining her grief and concern. However, she must preserve her respect and modesty before her parents. Allah Ta`ala says:
وقل لهما قولا كريما واخفض لهما جناح الذل من الرحمة
Translation: And address them with respectful words; and submit yourself before them in humility out of compassion.
- Alternatively, she may express her sentiments to an elderly reputable person within her family and request them to speak to her parents on behalf of her;
- Contact a local reliable female scholar who you could confide in to overcome your difficulty;
- The girl must also consider the negative consequences of her refusal to marry as according to the wish of her parents. There are various questions to be considered including: Will her parents thereafter desert her? Will her parents accept her marriage to someone else? If not, how will she marry a boy of her choice? Will she then bring disgrace, shame, humiliation and disrepute to herself and her family? Will it result in her connection and link with her family being severed? Could she live a life without the love, blessings and supplications of her parents? Etc. etc.
- The girl may consult appropriate persons you trust in for their `wise` counsel.
- She should also perform Salāt al-Istikhārah to assist her in taking the correct approach and making the correct decision without losing the blessings and love of her parents.
Salāt al-Istikhārah is to request divine Guidance of Allah through a special prayer. The following is the method of the prayer:
- Make ablution (wudhu)
- Observe two Rak`aat voluntary Salaah
- Recite the following supplication:
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُكَ بِعِلْمِكَ وَأَسْتَقْدِرُكَ بِقُدْرَتِكَ وَأَسْأَلُكَ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ الْعَظِيمِ فَإِنَّكَ تَقْدِرُ وَلَا أَقْدِرُ وَتَعْلَمُ وَلَا أَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتَ عَلَّامُ الْغُيُوبِ اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ خَيْرٌ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي فَاقْدُرْهُ لِي وَيَسِّرْهُ لِي ثُمَّ بَارِكْ لِي فِيهِ وَإِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ شَرٌّ فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي فَاصْرِفْهُ عَنِّي وَاصْرِفْنِي عَنْهُ وَاقْدِرْ لِيَ الْخَيْرَ حَيْثُ كَانَ ثُمَّ ارْضِنِي بِهِ
Transliteration: Allaahumma inni astakheeruka bi ilmika, Wa astaqdiruka bi qudratika, Wa as’aluka min fadlikal azeem Fa innaka taqdiru Wala aqdiru, Wa ta’lamu wa laa a’lamu, Wa anta allaamul ghuyoob. Allaahumma, in kunta ta’lamu anna haadhal amra* khairun lee fee deenee wa ma’aashi wa aaqibati amree faqdirhu lee wa yas sirhu lee thumma barik lee feehi, Wa in kunta ta’lamu anna hadhal amra* shar-run lee fee deenee wa ma’ashee wa aaqibati amree fasrifhu annee wasrifnee anhu. Waqdir liyal khayra haithu kaana thumma ardinee bihi.’
Translation: O Allah! I ask guidance from Your knowledge, And Power from Your Might and I ask for Your great blessings. You are capable and I am not. You know and I do not and You know the unseen. O Allah! If You know that this matter* is good for my religion and my subsistence and in my Hereafter, then You ordain it for me and make it easy for me to get, And then bless me in it, and if You know that this matter* is harmful to me in my religion and subsistence and in the Hereafter, then keep it away from me and let me be away from it. And ordain for me whatever is good for me, And make me satisfied with it.
- She should then mention your need and supplicate to Allah.
It is not necessary but recommended that this be repeated for seven days until the person feels an inclination towards a specific option. It is not necessary to see a dream or witness a definite event. If one is unable to perform the Salah, the supplication will suffice. It is also recommended that one sleeps whilst in the state of wudhu facing the Qiblah after reciting the afore-mentioned supplication.
Note: * When making the supplication and reaching the words “hadhal amra” (this matter), you should think deliberate on the actual issue and decision in question.
Lastly, likewise, the parents should consult their daughter and acknowledge her concern and thus not compel her into a marriage without her wish and happiness. The parents must consider that it is the daughter who will have to spend the rest of her life with the boy. They should speak to her kindly, listen to her sentiments and confer the reasons to their wish. Ultimately, whether the girl choses to marry within the family or outside the family, the parents should not desert their daughter and deprive her from their love, blessings and supplications. Importantly, the happiness of the daughter should be the happiness of the parents and vice versa.
We advise that you adopt the procedures mention in answer and thus take the correct and honourable steps in making a sound decision.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Hanif Yusuf Patel
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
 [Al-Qur`an, 2: 216]
 [Al-Qur`an, 17: 23-4]
 عن عائشة رضي الله عنها أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم جاءها حين أمر الله أن يخير أزواجه، فبدأ بي رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم فقال: إني ذاكر لك أمرا فلا عليك أن تستعجلي حتى تستأمري أبويك، وقد علم أن أبوي لم يكونا يأمراني بفراقه ...
[Saheeh al-Bukhari, 4507]
 قال جابر بن عبد الله رضي الله عنهما : كان رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم ، يُعلمنا الاستخارة في الأمور كلها كما يعلمُنا السورة من القرآن ، يقول : إذا هم أحدكم بالأمر فليركع ركعتين من غير الفريضة ، ثم ليقل :" اللهم إني أستخيرك بعلمك ، وأستقدرك بقدرتك ، وأسألك من فضلك العظيم فإنك تقدِرُ ولا أقدِرُ ، وتعلم ولا أعلم ، وأنت علام الغيوب ، اللهم إن كنت تعلم أن هذا الأمر -يسمي حاجته - خير لي في ديني ومعاشي وعاقبة أمري - أو قال : عاجلة وآجله - فاقدره لي ويسره لي ، ثم بارك لي فيه ، وإن كنت تعلم أن هذا الأمر شر لي في ديني ومعاشي وعاقبة أمري - أو قال : عاجله وآجله - فاصرفه عني واصرفني عنه ، واقدر لي الخير حيث كان ، ثم ارضني به
[Sahih Al-Bukhari, (21: 263); Musnad al-Imam Ahmad, 14834; Sunan an-Nasa`I, 10332; Sunan Abi Dawud, 1538, Sunan at-Tirmidhi, 480]
 وَيَنْبَغِي أَنْ يُكَرِّرَهَا سَبْعًا، لِمَا رَوَى ابْنُ السُّنِّيِّ «يَا أَنَسُ إذَا هَمَمْت بِأَمْرٍ فَاسْتَخِرْ رَبَّك فِيهِ سَبْعَ مَرَّاتٍ، ثُمَّ اُنْظُرْ إلَى الَّذِي سَبَقَ إلَى قَلْبِك فَإِنَّ الْخَيْرَ فِيهِ» وَلَوْ تَعَذَّرَتْ عَلَيْهِ الصَّلَاةُ اسْتَخَارَ بِالدُّعَاءِ اهـ مُلَخَّصًا. وَفِي شَرْحِ الشِّرْعَةِ: الْمَسْمُوعُ مِنْ الْمَشَايِخِ أَنَّهُ يَنْبَغِي أَنْ يَنَامَ عَلَى طَهَارَةٍ مُسْتَقْبِلَ الْقِبْلَةِ بَعْدَ قِرَاءَةِ الدُّعَاءِ الْمَذْكُورِ، فَإِنْ رَأَى مَنَامَهُ بَيَاضًا أَوْ خُضْرَةً فَذَلِكَ الْأَمْرُ خَيْرٌ، وَإِنْ رَأَى فِيهِ سَوَادًا أَوْ حُمْرَةً فَهُوَ شَرٌّ يَنْبَغِي أَنْ يُجْتَنَبَ اهـ
[Radd al-Muhtar ala ad-Durr al-Mukhtar, 2: 27, H. M. Saeed Company]
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