Financing Parents and Family
How do I deal with the mental and financial pressure of providing for my family and parents?
Asalamualikum. I am 25 years old, married and living with parents. It is difficult for me and my wife to deal with my parents. Certain problems arise at times and we just put up with it. I know we are entitled to move out and have our own space, but my father is too dependent on me. He is about 56 years old and hasn’t been working for the past five years. He just chooses not to work and expects me to support the entire family. I currently work, attend college, support my parents, brother, sister and wife while my father just sits at home watching TV all day and going to the masjid. I have tried talking to him many times but when he sees I’m going with it he just changes the subject and just wants things his way. I have been living with this for 5 years now and 3 years since being married. My family’s co-dependence on me is too much to bear being the only one supporting them. My family noticed certain symptoms in my behaviour. I spoke to a doctor and he told me the symptoms are anxiety related depression. I have been lacking motivation at college, I don’t feel like going to work. I leave my house early after Fajr and return late at night. I just wander around the park for hours to get away from everything. I need to take some sort of action. Please help.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We understand you are at crossroads between loyalty to your family and parents and the consequent mental pressure, stress and depression you are encountering. May Allah grant you patience. Ameen.
It is important that you maintain communication with your father and disclose your sentiments. In order to do this, you may speak to your mother or an elderly reputable person who is held closely and esteemed by your father. Your father may need someone to just soothe him and explain to him your concern, grief and sentiments.
To wander around the park for hours to get away from your problems will only exacerbate the issue. We strongly advise you to contact a local reliable scholar who you could confide in and by whose consultation you can overcome your challenge. You may also seek professional advice on the anxiety related to depression you are suffering.
To engage in the remembrance of Allah, to recite the Glorious Qur`an, to sit in the company of pious people, and to listen to the speeches of our great Ulema may also help you overcome your anxiety related depression. Allah says:
Remember, in the remembrance of Allah is the solace [, comfort and peace] of the heart.
You may encounter difficulties due to having to bear the financial burden of the family, but always be mindful of the words of Allah:
“Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and do good to parents. If any one of them or both of them reach old age, do not say to them: uff (a word or expression of anger or contempt) and do not shout at them, and address them with respectful words. And submit yourself before them in humility out of compassion, and say, `My Lord, be merciful to them as they have brought me up in my childhood`.”
Supplicate to Allah to ease the matter and give you strength. Verily asking for forgiveness from Allah is also a source of increase in sustenance. Allah says:
“Ask you forgiveness from your Lord. Verily He is All-Forgiving. He will send down upon you abundant rain, and he will give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you gardens and rivers.”
You may be finding it difficult to bear the financial burden of your parents and siblings but it may be that Allah will give you blessings in your sustenance due to your loyalty and submissiveness to them. Once a man complained to Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) that while he would toil and work to provide food, his brother would not contribute in any way. Prophet (peace be upon him) replied:
“Perhaps you are being granted sustenance because of him.”
We hope and pray Allah eases your burden, relieves you from your current mental state and makes your parents and family the coolness of your eyes.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Hanif Yusuf Patel
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
 الا بذكر الله تطمئن القلوب
[Al-Qur`an, 13: 28]
 وقضى ربك ألا تعبدوا إلا إياه وبالوالدين إحسانا إما يبلغن عندك الكبر أحدهما أو كلاهما فلا تقل لهما أف ولا تنهرهما وقل لهما قولا كريما واخفض لهما جناح الذل من الرحمة وقل رب ارحمهما كما ربياني صغيرا
[Al-Qur`an, 17: 23-4]
 فقلت استغفروا ربكم إنه كان غفارا يرسل السماء عليكم مدرارا ويمددكم بأموال وبنين ويجعل لكم جنات ويجعل لكم أنهارا
[Al-Qur`an, 71: 10-12]
 عن أنس رضي الله عنه قال: كان أخوان على عهد رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم، فكان أحدهما يأتى النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم، والآخر يحترف، فشكا المحترف أخاه النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم، فقال: لعلك ترزق به
[Sunan at-Tirmidhi, 2345]
(ولآخر يحترف): أي يكتسب أسباب المعيشة، فكأنهما كانا يأكلان معا ...
(لعلك ترزق به) ... أي: أرجو أو أخاف أنك مرزوق ببركته لا أنه مرزوق بحرفتك فلا تمنن عليه بصنعتك
[Miqat al-Mafatih Sharh Mishkat al-Masabih, 8: 3328, Dar al-Fikr, Beirut]
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